Family Crisis

I can still remember the day, the feelings, the fear.  It was a beautiful summer day.  Growing up on a farm was so enjoyable when we'd finished the chores for the day.  I was young, about 9 years old when it happened.  My older brothers 12 and 14 had both purchased bull calves and been raising them to sell at the county fair.  Part of the experience was training the animals so that they could lead them around the arena for the perspective buyers to see.  Those who have even limited experience with cattle know that training one to follow you around is a difficult feat.  This evening without adult supervision the three of us were playing in the bulls pen.  One of my brothers lost control of his animal and after a few moments that seemed like hours we carried him crying into our small farm house.  Through tears, prayers and medical bills this experience brought my family together in a way we had never experienced before.

Much like Intimacy discussed in the previous post crisis in the family can be a bonding and unifying experience that strengthens relationships or it can be the wedge that drives families apart.  Understanding what a family crisis is and how to successfully navigate them can change your family forever.

First, a note on perception: When asked 'why bad things happened to good people' a classmate responded with "I think 'bad things' are just a perception.  Difficult things help individuals and families to learn and grow, they can strengthen relationships and help us to develop more pure love."
What is the difference between difficult things and bad thing?  You decide.

Ruben Hill a researcher in the field gives this breakdown of family crisis situations and outcomes:

A: actual event

+

B: both resources & response

+

C: cognitions – the perspective of the crisis

=

X: total experience

In some languages crisis literally means danger + opportunity.

There is more to trouble than meets the eye.

Where the individuals in a relationship turn for reassurance and support and how they react to hardships will determine whether the relationships are strengthened or strained.

As we can see from the diagram above, two of the three deciding factors in the result are 'resources and response' and 'the perception of crisis'.   

How can we use this understanding to help make our next crisis a strengthening and bonding experience?  

 

Intimacy in Marriage

We're approaching a sensitive topic in this blog post.  What role should intimacy play in marriage? 

While glamorized by the media as something universally enjoyable and satisfying, sex is not always that way.  It is scientifically proven that women often take extended amounts of time to become aroused, while men are often quicker to be excited.  If intimacy is forced it will not be enjoyable. 

While held up by the world as a form of recreation most would agree that there is more to sex than just having fun.  It is an opportunity for a special bond to be created between two individuals.  Because of hormones and feelings this shared experience can create a powerful bond that when broken or neglected will cause pain.  

The feeling of vulnerability often accompanies shared intimacy and can provide an opportunity for trust to replace fear or doubt.  

Contrary to popular belief it is not required for newly married couples to have sex on their wedding night, they should let their relationship progress naturally.  If forced it can be an awkward and unsatisfying experience, setting a hard precedent to overcome.

Intimacy is a natural and necessary part of marriage.  If taken out of context or forced it will not be as fulfilling or unifying as it has the potential to be.  Wherever you are at in your marriage or relationships remember that mutual respect and patience are principles that never go obsolete. 

Early Marriage Difficulties

In the last post we talked about how it is important to set and understand each others expectations prior to marriage.  In this post we'll take a look at some of the difficulties that many couples run into early in their marriages.  In doing so the intent is not to startle young couples but to help them recognize and prepare for these possibilities.

But before we get into the possible difficulties remember that it is impossible to recognize feelings of joy without experiencing sadness.  If couples uses are able to successfully navigate these hardships through communication, love and forgiveness they will be so much stronger and closer for it.

Sleeping arrangement

-space for two

-temperature

The blending of two lives

-understanding nonverbal communication

-culture and traditions

-overcoming past family patterns

-learning to effectively communicate

-getting over the little quirks

-getting used to cooking

-getting used to each other’s daily schedule

  -shower time

  -clean up after each other

Creating and maintaining the magic of marriage

-learning to understand perspectives

-family rituals

  -family & couple prayer and scripture study

  -family home evening

-holidays

  -where and how

Role sharing, allocation

-who takes care of what

-cleaning

-who works

-who cooks

-finances

  -priorities 

  -lifestyles: house size, cars

Parenting

-parenting styles

  -discipline

-making time for each other
-being unified

A last note, when discussing these things make sure that you match logical arguments to logical and emotional to emotional.  Remember also that emotions are real, even if they are irrational.  Don't discount the feelings of you spouse with a rational argument, instead validate their emotions and then discuss them.

If couples choose to be in love each day these "early marriage difficulties" will only serve to strengthen their marriage

Contract Marriage

Every action we make has a purpose.  These purposes are usually clear to ourselves but not always to others.  

How many times have you been talking with someone and either of you said something way off topic? I know I've done it before, our minds move quickly.  For example during a conversation a friend can mention candy, this could set me thinking about gum and then peppermint and then Christmas.  My next comment is an exclamation of how excited I am for Christmas.  While the progression was clear to me my friend my have trouble following.

In the same way we all have expectations.  For almost everything.  Eat a meal, go to a movie, make a comment, watch a game or start a relationship.  There are expectations. 

It is incredibly important before marriage that a couple discuss their expectations.  In some cases a couple can even create a marriage contract to help both parties see the expectations of their future spouse. 

It may sound old fashion or overkill but we'll discuss early marriage difficulties in the next post and you may change you mind.  

Communication is key in any relationship.  Not surprisingly that does not change with marriage.

At the very least, recognize that in any relationship both individuals come into it with expectations.  And that the relationship will be more enjoyable for if those expectations are communicated.

Courtship and Cohabitation

Marriage is more than just a commitment.  Many people understand this! They can see the magnitude of the covenant.  To be prepared for marriage a few things need to take place.

Dating.  This word has different connotations to clarify I'll be using it to mean going on many dates with many different people over a period of time.  

Studies have shown that the more time you spend with someone the better the chances are that you will get to know them!  Amazing concept right?  

It has also become clear that salt in cookies help us to taste the sweet.  In the search for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect it is effective to get to know many individuals at the same time.  

A date is when an individual Plans an activity or activities, Pays for the activity if that is required, and spends time Paired off with another individual of the opposite gender.  

This provides as opportunity for the two individuals to get to know one another and to establish a friendship and relationship patterns.  Some of the reasons that it is encouraged for young people to go on many dates and to date many individual are: to see the person you are interested in in different circumstances, to learn and experience good communication, to see and compare different personalities and judge comparability, to avoid getting intimate too fast and inviting confusing feelings into a friendship before it has fully formed, and to be frank this provides an opportunity to see different options.

This principle of dating stands in opposition to hooking up and to the 'Date them till you hate them' practice, which is simply to start an intimate relationship before you know someone well enough to know if you are compatible and then to court until it doesn't work anymore.  Hooking up is where two individuals who are physically attracted to each other mock a serious relationship by sharing intimacy before they really know each other.

If the principle of dating is practiced there will come a time when you have been able to establish an enjoyable relationship with another person.  You will know each other well and have been able to see each other in different situations and feel that you could build a working relationship with this individual.  You will be confident in your choice by this point because you will have taken other individuals on dates as well and the comparison will have helped to make clear what you want. 

Then comes courtship.  Two individuals add into their already solid relationship the physical dimension.  They feel that it is time to court or put their relationship on trial.  In this time dating will continue.  Patterns already established will remain as the foundation for this growing relationship.  Over time the conversations that started during dating will go deeper and the couple will discuss the prospect of engagement and marriage. Parenting, morals, traditions, habits, and hobbies will be discussed along with every other topics mutually important to the couple.

Then after engagement the couple can be prepared for marriage.

Cohabitation may begin in the same way, but at some point things change.  The couple decides to join lives on some levels but not others.  These levels will differ with each relationship.  Patterns are formed as these couples share some aspects of their lives but keep other aspects separate.  Contrary to the belief of some this is not great preparation for marriage.  

Patterns established during dating and courtship point to and prepare for marriage.  Patterns established during cohabitation may be similar to marriage but they do not lead to it and often they can be hard to break if the couple decides to be married.  The patterns established while living together but separate lives die hard and can cause unneeded confusion and conflict in a relationship.

The patterns established in dating, courtship and engagement point the cannon that fires at marriage, or they show the direction that the relationship will go.

Dating is essentially an opportunity to start and see the pattern that will exist after marriage.

Planned – Preside

Take responsibility, being aware of needs and able to change plans based on needs

Paid for – Provide

Be able to provide for the date, showing that you will be the provider

Paired off – Protect

Responsibility for the spiritual, emotional, and physical protection of their date

Dating: Get to know each other, see each other in many different situations, not fully intimate relationship. 

DTR

Courtship: there is no reason to date exclusively until you feel that you would like to prepare to marry the individual.  court-trial-test

Engagement: engaged or focused on each other exclusively, preparing for marriage

Marriage: fully committed forever 

What is Love!?

Most of you are familiar with the catchy song sung by Haddaway:

"What is Love?"

This is the same questions we are going to explore today!  Just in a little bit of a different context.

M. Scott Peck said, "One result of the mysterious nature of love is that no one has ever, to my knowledge, arrived at a truly satisfactory definition of love. In an effort to explain it, therefore, love has been divided into various categories: eros, philia, agape; perfect love and imperfect love, and so on. I am presuming, however, to give a single definition of love, again with the awareness that it is likely to be in some way or ways inadequate. I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another's spiritual growth." (The Road Less Traveled, 1978, p. 81)


so lets take a closer look into those different aspects of Love that the Greeks have defined for us, here are just some basic defining words I wrote during our class discussion:

Eros: erotic, romantic, sexual 

Philia: brotherly love, friends, intimate

Storge: love of a parent for a child

Agape: service, improve their life, Charity 

Understanding these it becomes more clear why some couples who are quickly physically intimate through hand holding, hugs, cuddling or beyond before they have developed the other aspects find that 'love grows cold'  or that they just 'fall out of love'  while Eros is an extremely important aspect of a romantic relationship it should not be the full foundation on which we build.

Philia explains the loyalty we feel when a part of a team.  While in high school I ran on the cross country team.  We loved each other, in a non romantic way.  That love and loyalty made it possible for us to appropriately give constructive criticism and to push and expect more out of each other.

A love I cannot claim very much familiarity with is that captured by the idea of Storge, the love of a parent for their child.  I've heard its powerful, maybe even more so than other forms of love.

Agape is a love that we have an ever increasing need for in our day and time.  To desire to lift or serve another human is more noble than any selfish desire, no matter how prestigious it may be.  This love brings people together in a way that is unmatched by the other forms.

and maybe that is the main lesson to learn, that there are different aspects to love and they all have their place.  Perhaps one is not more important than the other but we need to use them together to gain the fulfillment that we are all seeking in this life.

stay tuned for more on these forms of love and their applications into our life.  but until next time take a second to evaluate the important relationships in your life.  Can you identify these forms of love? How do they work together?

What is love?  While we might not be able to adequately capture it with words, at the very least, lets be aware of it, and allow it to enrich the relationships we treasure. 

Family Myths 101

Have you ever heard the sore throat remedy of honey and lemon??

Or maybe you are a firm believer in running your hands under cold water when you cut an onion to keep from crying? 

Where did these ideas come from?  

Are they valid?

The following are a few common  myths about marriage and the family that people have heard and some have come to accept:

Myth 1: Opposites attract- while some difference are inevitable in every relationship it is not common to talk your differences on your first date.  In fact we usually try to find and focus on interest or experiences that we share.  Research shows that those who are similar in social background, lifestyle, values, and interests are not only more attracted to each other but they last longer as well.

 Myth 2: A Good Sex Life Is the Best Predictor of Marital Satisfaction-  research and polls have shown that many people do get married for this reason, but a poll of 300 couples who had been married for 15 years or more brought light to the subject as they agreed that sex was not among the top 10 things contributing to the quality of their marriage.  while it was a part of these marriages they did not believe it a good predictor or even a major contributor to marital satisfaction.

Myth 3: Half of All Marriages End in Divorce- hard work has been put in recently to try and gather accurate information but experts have been running into issues gathering useful data.  Lets say we use the high marriage rate college town Rexburg, Idaho as an example.  If we were to gather information from the city on how many marriage licenses have been given, and then a year later or two or ten years later gather from the same city how many divorces there have happened in the elapsed time, would that give us accurate information?  Hopefully you can see how difficult it can be to gather this information.  While divorce rates have been rising as a nation we are still far from 50%.  Have hope!

Stop to think before you believe all that you hear.  While it is true that 100% of all people that drink water die, we should not be afraid to drink water.  The Family is of God