Parenting Styles

     We live in a world of diversity, but even with each family and parent being individual and different there are patterns that we can learn from.  Diana Baumrind studied and published some of the most extensive research ever conducted on child-parent relationships and parenting styles. during the course of her studies she narrowed parenting down into four major styles using two principles:

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They are Demandingness and Responsiveness

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I’d include definitions for these principles but they are almost exactly what they sound like.

Noticing and developing these two principles and studying hundreds of subjects from infancy to adolescence Diana came up with four major parenting styles

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They are: Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive and Disengaged.

here is a simple diagram combining what we’ve introduced so far:

Parents that are generally high in both warm communication and demands when raising their children are considered Authoritative.

Parents Low in both areas we will call Disengaged or Neglecting.

Parents that are high in demands or Responsiveness and low in the other are either Authoritative or Permissive as shown.

Diana Baumrinds research showed that parents who are highly demanding but equally high in responsiveness or Authoritative find the most success in parenting.

Success being defined as helping children develop the ability and desire to make good choices on their own. 

Parenting styles that are not demanding enough or that are unresponsive, yield children who are more prone to entitlement, lack of drive, and disobedience.

Using what we learned in the last post about teaching Doctrine and Principles this makes sense.  

Parents that communicate with their children, that give positive and negative feedback and are not closed off are labeled as responsive,  these parents are generally warm and loving but also stern and understanding when needed.

Parents that have expectations for their children, that have set and explained limits and boundaries and stick to them are labeled as demanding.  While to some parents this seems mean or controlling it is best for children to have consistent demands set.

When children understand the demands and know that they will remain constant they are more likely to be obedient.  This is in part because of the consistency and the understanding they have of the rules.  When parents are inconsistent or make no demands children will feel that rules are unfair or limiting, and they will not desire to act like those who have learned consequences.  

Baumrind’s studies concluded that to produce autonomous children we need to be both demanding and responsive.

If we are unresponsive but demanding children will feel imposed upon and often will rebel. We cannot ignore our children, we will kill our relationship.

If we are responsive but not demanding children will become entitled and while they may learn to choose what they want they will may not learn to work for it.

Children are most happy and autonomous when they have grown up with consistent expectations, love and responsiveness from parents.

Coping Communication and Conflict

Previously we briefly discussed what a family crisis is and how it can either serve to build or divide relationships.  In this post we are going to look into three principles that if understood can help individuals and families grow together through hard times.

The first is the principle of coping. 

The dictionary.com definition of coping is as follows: To face and deal with responsibilities, problems, or difficulties, especially successfully or in a calm or adequate manner.  

But there is more to coping than just 'facing' or 'dealing with' responsibilities.  

Lets take a look at this example of pool coping pictured on the right to learn more about what it really it. 

What do you know or notice about the coping on this pool?  You may notice how it helps transition from the textured rock to the pool's edge or how it curves up slightly to keep water in the pool and other things out.  This curve also makes a great handhold for tired or inexperienced swimmers.  Coping is designed to withstand large amounts of pressure so that individuals can stand on the edge of the pool without it crumbling beneath them.  How does this apply to making it through tough situations? Is there more to coping than just facing the problem? 

Coping helps us make transitions smoothly.  A pool without coping would be painful to get in and out of, it also would be less aesthetically pleasing.  Proper or well used coping in relationships can help us transition in and out of hardships without rearranging our lives or feeling the need to share our problems with the world on social media.

Keeps water in and the junk out.  Often when in the middle or a hardship we can find ourselves inviting people into our troubles simply by not using proper boundaries, or when we are in an argument we might pull out irrelevant misdeeds from the past.  Coping helps to limit or stop these things from happening.  Both of which can be fatal to a relationship if not dealt with properly. 

It is a break for tired or inexperienced swimmers. Coping can give us the rest we need when facing turbulent waters. If used correctly it can provide at least temporary release from the rigors of hardship.

Coping withstands large amounts of pressure.  This one is self explanatory.  Often individuals crumble under pressure, proper use of coping during family crisis can help individuals and families from crumbling.

The next principle that can help in hardship is communication.

Clear and kind communication in a relationship is vital.  Not enough can be said on this topic.  In the spirit of clear and concise communication here are the numbers: 

Words – 14%

Tone – 35%

Non Verbal – 51%

Words contribute only 14% of the message that we send when communicating.  

Make sure your messages match, and be aware of the flaws in certain forms of communication that exclude up to 86% of what you are communicating.  Clear and kind communication is key.

The last principle for this post in conflict.   

We're going to briefly cover the basics to successful conflict and then look at the reasons for resolution so that you can better understand or recognize why individuals comply. 

 The first tool in effectively resolving conflict is to gain more information.  At the heart of almost every conflict you will find a misunderstanding.  Seek more unbiased information before launching into total war.

Try to see both sides. This will help you in the same way as the first tool.  You may be quicker to recognize the miscommunication and avoid a hurtful conflict.

Be teachable, even if you are wrong I promise there will always be something you can learn, always. 

Control you emotions, if left unchecked in conflict someone is bound to get hurt.  

Reasons for compliance: 

Coercive – avoid punishment (there are tons of types of punishments)

Reward – gain reward

Legitimate – the right to ask you to comply

Expert – they have more expertise, maybe special knowledge

Referent – identification or admiration of and the desire to please

Informational – persuasion by spouse who has your best interest in mind

Why do you comply? Being aware of this can help individuals and families eliminate problems before they appear. 

Hopefully a better understanding of Coping, Communication and Conflict Resolution will help your relationships grow stronger through adversity.

Family Crisis

I can still remember the day, the feelings, the fear.  It was a beautiful summer day.  Growing up on a farm was so enjoyable when we'd finished the chores for the day.  I was young, about 9 years old when it happened.  My older brothers 12 and 14 had both purchased bull calves and been raising them to sell at the county fair.  Part of the experience was training the animals so that they could lead them around the arena for the perspective buyers to see.  Those who have even limited experience with cattle know that training one to follow you around is a difficult feat.  This evening without adult supervision the three of us were playing in the bulls pen.  One of my brothers lost control of his animal and after a few moments that seemed like hours we carried him crying into our small farm house.  Through tears, prayers and medical bills this experience brought my family together in a way we had never experienced before.

Much like Intimacy discussed in the previous post crisis in the family can be a bonding and unifying experience that strengthens relationships or it can be the wedge that drives families apart.  Understanding what a family crisis is and how to successfully navigate them can change your family forever.

First, a note on perception: When asked 'why bad things happened to good people' a classmate responded with "I think 'bad things' are just a perception.  Difficult things help individuals and families to learn and grow, they can strengthen relationships and help us to develop more pure love."
What is the difference between difficult things and bad thing?  You decide.

Ruben Hill a researcher in the field gives this breakdown of family crisis situations and outcomes:

A: actual event

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B: both resources & response

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C: cognitions – the perspective of the crisis

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X: total experience

In some languages crisis literally means danger + opportunity.

There is more to trouble than meets the eye.

Where the individuals in a relationship turn for reassurance and support and how they react to hardships will determine whether the relationships are strengthened or strained.

As we can see from the diagram above, two of the three deciding factors in the result are 'resources and response' and 'the perception of crisis'.   

How can we use this understanding to help make our next crisis a strengthening and bonding experience?  

 

Intimacy in Marriage

We're approaching a sensitive topic in this blog post.  What role should intimacy play in marriage? 

While glamorized by the media as something universally enjoyable and satisfying, sex is not always that way.  It is scientifically proven that women often take extended amounts of time to become aroused, while men are often quicker to be excited.  If intimacy is forced it will not be enjoyable. 

While held up by the world as a form of recreation most would agree that there is more to sex than just having fun.  It is an opportunity for a special bond to be created between two individuals.  Because of hormones and feelings this shared experience can create a powerful bond that when broken or neglected will cause pain.  

The feeling of vulnerability often accompanies shared intimacy and can provide an opportunity for trust to replace fear or doubt.  

Contrary to popular belief it is not required for newly married couples to have sex on their wedding night, they should let their relationship progress naturally.  If forced it can be an awkward and unsatisfying experience, setting a hard precedent to overcome.

Intimacy is a natural and necessary part of marriage.  If taken out of context or forced it will not be as fulfilling or unifying as it has the potential to be.  Wherever you are at in your marriage or relationships remember that mutual respect and patience are principles that never go obsolete. 

Early Marriage Difficulties

In the last post we talked about how it is important to set and understand each others expectations prior to marriage.  In this post we'll take a look at some of the difficulties that many couples run into early in their marriages.  In doing so the intent is not to startle young couples but to help them recognize and prepare for these possibilities.

But before we get into the possible difficulties remember that it is impossible to recognize feelings of joy without experiencing sadness.  If couples uses are able to successfully navigate these hardships through communication, love and forgiveness they will be so much stronger and closer for it.

Sleeping arrangement

-space for two

-temperature

The blending of two lives

-understanding nonverbal communication

-culture and traditions

-overcoming past family patterns

-learning to effectively communicate

-getting over the little quirks

-getting used to cooking

-getting used to each other’s daily schedule

  -shower time

  -clean up after each other

Creating and maintaining the magic of marriage

-learning to understand perspectives

-family rituals

  -family & couple prayer and scripture study

  -family home evening

-holidays

  -where and how

Role sharing, allocation

-who takes care of what

-cleaning

-who works

-who cooks

-finances

  -priorities 

  -lifestyles: house size, cars

Parenting

-parenting styles

  -discipline

-making time for each other
-being unified

A last note, when discussing these things make sure that you match logical arguments to logical and emotional to emotional.  Remember also that emotions are real, even if they are irrational.  Don't discount the feelings of you spouse with a rational argument, instead validate their emotions and then discuss them.

If couples choose to be in love each day these "early marriage difficulties" will only serve to strengthen their marriage

Contract Marriage

Every action we make has a purpose.  These purposes are usually clear to ourselves but not always to others.  

How many times have you been talking with someone and either of you said something way off topic? I know I've done it before, our minds move quickly.  For example during a conversation a friend can mention candy, this could set me thinking about gum and then peppermint and then Christmas.  My next comment is an exclamation of how excited I am for Christmas.  While the progression was clear to me my friend my have trouble following.

In the same way we all have expectations.  For almost everything.  Eat a meal, go to a movie, make a comment, watch a game or start a relationship.  There are expectations. 

It is incredibly important before marriage that a couple discuss their expectations.  In some cases a couple can even create a marriage contract to help both parties see the expectations of their future spouse. 

It may sound old fashion or overkill but we'll discuss early marriage difficulties in the next post and you may change you mind.  

Communication is key in any relationship.  Not surprisingly that does not change with marriage.

At the very least, recognize that in any relationship both individuals come into it with expectations.  And that the relationship will be more enjoyable for if those expectations are communicated.

Courtship and Cohabitation

Marriage is more than just a commitment.  Many people understand this! They can see the magnitude of the covenant.  To be prepared for marriage a few things need to take place.

Dating.  This word has different connotations to clarify I'll be using it to mean going on many dates with many different people over a period of time.  

Studies have shown that the more time you spend with someone the better the chances are that you will get to know them!  Amazing concept right?  

It has also become clear that salt in cookies help us to taste the sweet.  In the search for Mr. or Mrs. Perfect it is effective to get to know many individuals at the same time.  

A date is when an individual Plans an activity or activities, Pays for the activity if that is required, and spends time Paired off with another individual of the opposite gender.  

This provides as opportunity for the two individuals to get to know one another and to establish a friendship and relationship patterns.  Some of the reasons that it is encouraged for young people to go on many dates and to date many individual are: to see the person you are interested in in different circumstances, to learn and experience good communication, to see and compare different personalities and judge comparability, to avoid getting intimate too fast and inviting confusing feelings into a friendship before it has fully formed, and to be frank this provides an opportunity to see different options.

This principle of dating stands in opposition to hooking up and to the 'Date them till you hate them' practice, which is simply to start an intimate relationship before you know someone well enough to know if you are compatible and then to court until it doesn't work anymore.  Hooking up is where two individuals who are physically attracted to each other mock a serious relationship by sharing intimacy before they really know each other.

If the principle of dating is practiced there will come a time when you have been able to establish an enjoyable relationship with another person.  You will know each other well and have been able to see each other in different situations and feel that you could build a working relationship with this individual.  You will be confident in your choice by this point because you will have taken other individuals on dates as well and the comparison will have helped to make clear what you want. 

Then comes courtship.  Two individuals add into their already solid relationship the physical dimension.  They feel that it is time to court or put their relationship on trial.  In this time dating will continue.  Patterns already established will remain as the foundation for this growing relationship.  Over time the conversations that started during dating will go deeper and the couple will discuss the prospect of engagement and marriage. Parenting, morals, traditions, habits, and hobbies will be discussed along with every other topics mutually important to the couple.

Then after engagement the couple can be prepared for marriage.

Cohabitation may begin in the same way, but at some point things change.  The couple decides to join lives on some levels but not others.  These levels will differ with each relationship.  Patterns are formed as these couples share some aspects of their lives but keep other aspects separate.  Contrary to the belief of some this is not great preparation for marriage.  

Patterns established during dating and courtship point to and prepare for marriage.  Patterns established during cohabitation may be similar to marriage but they do not lead to it and often they can be hard to break if the couple decides to be married.  The patterns established while living together but separate lives die hard and can cause unneeded confusion and conflict in a relationship.

The patterns established in dating, courtship and engagement point the cannon that fires at marriage, or they show the direction that the relationship will go.

Dating is essentially an opportunity to start and see the pattern that will exist after marriage.

Planned – Preside

Take responsibility, being aware of needs and able to change plans based on needs

Paid for – Provide

Be able to provide for the date, showing that you will be the provider

Paired off – Protect

Responsibility for the spiritual, emotional, and physical protection of their date

Dating: Get to know each other, see each other in many different situations, not fully intimate relationship. 

DTR

Courtship: there is no reason to date exclusively until you feel that you would like to prepare to marry the individual.  court-trial-test

Engagement: engaged or focused on each other exclusively, preparing for marriage

Marriage: fully committed forever